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🔪💔

On By VineluIn Sadness, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Yeah, ok. But what about the physical pain that comes with heartbreak?

The feeling of being chocked to death when you’re just trying to catch a breath

The little stabbing with an ice pick kind of wounds. You can’t see the bleeding but you can feel the actual pain

The one that feels like your entire body is in pain like being thrown into walls. I call that “the Hulk smash”

The constant feeling of nausea

The shrinkage. Yeah, the one that feels exactly like something holding the heart and squashing it

Headache. If you don’t have one you will give yourself one as a result of hours and hours of crying hysterically

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“I’ve dug two graves for us, my dear” – X

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I felt for a long time that I built you and you threw it all away. For a lie. I really thought that I made you who you are and then simply passed you on to another.

That got me thinking somehow that any other woman would treat you like a brand new project. Start from scratch!

What an infinite hell it must be to press the reset button every time you enter a new relationship. I should know.

That all must come from being right with the wrong people, for you anyhow. Being in shit ass complacent immature over romanticised relationships forged in the brightest of fires meant to burn out fast.

I find myself resentful writing this.

Guilty
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these 20 questions

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Do I want you because I am feeling lonely? Do I want you because you are the happiest place I’ve ever been to? Do I want you because you are lowkey everything I ever wanted? Do I want you because you are the one that got away? Did I let you go? Did I chase you off? Do I want you because we were never done? Will we ever be done? Do we just need closure? Do I want you because you are always on my mind? Is that love? Is that the love they talk about? Do I just need to be loved? Do I need to be loved by you? Do I feel like this because I’ve been having a hard time? Is it because I’ve been having a hard time ever since we stopped being? Is it because I’ve hurt you? Is it because you’ve been going through some shit as well? Do I even want you or am I just selfish?

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They said “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”. Let me tell you this: If you hit the same spot over and over again; it will eventually break. So do we.

On By VineluIn Sadness1 Comment

In an imaginary conversation I had with what should have been your conscience you told me:

“I felt like I wasn’t good enough, I haven’t done enough.
My best was not close to covering it. My best is not even that much right now.
I don’t know how to make you stay.
I don’t understand how to make you happy!
I hurt too…
You are so cold, it makes me doubt myself constantly!
I feel like whatever I am, it’s not who you want.
This is not even who I am, it’s who I thought you wanted.
I was wrong and I guess you liked me better before.
I lied to make you stay. You did. You became nothing but a shell though, empty inside.
I did my best to bring you down. To me!
Thought that if I made you feel you don’t deserve any better than me, I could finally have you.
I am still learning love and you’ve run out of patience.
I barely know how to swim and when I saw the boat filling up with water, I just jumped out, you know? I didn’t know how to save you too.
After all, what is the point of saving a giant block of ice from drowning?”

none, honey. I suppose I’ll just fucking float!

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i’m Fine

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Tears in disguise
Our memories blind
Those leftover lies
Are numbing the mind

There are hardly words
For the heart to describe
The harshness of loss
Your hunger of pride

I’ve paid my respect
To our love’s demise
It hurt so I’ve swept
Those dead feelings aside

For two is sometimes
Even bigger than nine
Yet now it’s just me
And I’ve learned that’s fine.

-V.

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On a daily thought.

On By VineluIn Uncategorized1 Comment

Why is it sometimes much easier to pour out everything to a stranger rather than our closest people?
Sure. One might say “ a trained professional will know how to ask the right questions”.
But really though, is it just that?
I often forget the most important fact of life, to be truthful to myself. Shit, sometimes I realize I admit something to myself by telling it to someone.
So, if we are being honest to ourselves, we know te answer to that question.
Most times, the ones that know us best, will be our harshest judges. That is why we don’t tell our mothers everything. Yet, with all that being said:

Do the people that know us best, know us at all?

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You add a title

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I realized I have a hard time pouring out my thoughts when my mind is not clouded by negative emotions. I do not mean to say that I am well, I am simply better.

Feelings are a little bit like praying. We are reminded of God when things get hard; when we see no way out or we feel helpless. I should not come across as a religious person because I am not. Never been to be completely honest. Purely trying to emphasize that hardly anyone thanks God for the smile on their faces.

What a mixture of bad energy and hypocrisy we have all come down to.

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Aftermath

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I am in love with love and I love loving. I suppose I always kind of thought I am good at it too. Maybe not, I am not sure anymore.

I enjoy the smell of the skin and the feel of it and maybe the warm bed, the hugs and the occasional attention. All of which have blinded me from listening to my subconscious drowning and screaming for help. It actually never occurred to me that I too was not ready for what was to come and continuing a situation that was causing misery both ways was not something I should have accepted. After all the hurt I believed that my heart and soul would feel the burden and to my surprise I was wrong. I feel light. I feel uncaged. I feel free.

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This is goodbye

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With all that I am, I have loved you. There are times when I failed to show you just how much and poor decisions have helped us fail. I would like to say I wish you nothing but happiness, but in reality I don’t. I wish you to simply get what you give, not just you, but everyone. This will take some time to heal, though one day I will smile back at this blessing. Love is so hard to come by, such a shame to let it go without a fight.

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Overthinker

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I do ask for help, from myself first. If one would be interested in something I excel at it would be overthinking.

overthinker

Noun

(plural overthinkers)

1. One who overthinks.

Origin

overthink +‎ -er

Hope this helps. 

  • “If you feel depressed reach out for help”

Humor is also one of my traits.

Why do I not see the endgame everyone seems to see? Why does everything that used to make me feel happy, is failing me now? Why am I not complete? Why am I not grateful for having so much more than others? Why do I have goals impossible to achieve? I actually do know the answer to this one. One of my great life philosophies is that you need to strike for gold in order to be content with silver as opposed to drilling for coal. I then moved on to ask others for help. This is when life becomes an English joke because no one understands. Literally. No one. Not even people that go through the same stuff as you because they have their pain and their train of thoughts. Not family, because you are just acting up on account of being spoiled. The kids in Africa don’t have water. Not friends, because they know that something is off with you, but instead, just like most people, they chose to see the fun in you (if you have any). Not a girlfriend/boyfriend because they tried to be patient and supportive, but you are just too high maintenance and it’s grown to be more pain than pleasure. As things start feeling a little more intense you begin to feel scared for/of yourself and move on to more advanced help also known as 24 h suicide prevention hotline. In the 5 minutes I spent browsing their website I have found that they are in desperate need of donations, statistics are showing that the female suicide rate is ridiculously higher than male and that they are looking for volunteers. This little sorrowful adventure only made me realize how truly sad we all are and I came to think that maybe, whatever I am going through is not even that serious and it will probably pass while others definitely need that help. No one wants to be bothered with childish ways, right? In one of these rainy days when your self-destructive plan is coming slowly but surely to fruition you are thinking that maybe you need professional help. Doctors that will prescribe pills that in all reality one would probably use to make the job easier which scares me even more. I am even terrified of getting drunk because I know how it gives me the courage I need to do stupid things and it just might be one of them. “If you feel depressed reach out for help”. I find the irony humoristic to say the least.

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Unhappy

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I am unhappy. 

I have been for a while now. It’s not even that since I know I don’t understand happiness and therefore I am longing for a feeling I don’t know how it feels like. I was 14, a long time ago, when I flirted with the entire pills cabinet I had access to at that time. Actions so stupid that next time they might just work. I thought I was depressed then: running away from home, picking fights with my sister and all that. I wasn’t. I was angry and only angry enough to want to prove a point. I even brought a knife. I am afraid of sharp objects ever since and also that time when an acquaintance tried to slit her wrists with a razor in front of me… Boy, is my post dramatic or what?
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“I find myself at a loss for words seeing that what good are words when the emotions are cold?”

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I recognise the ridiculousness of my thoughts and the ungratefulness of my feeling processing and yet it just all seems to be a very dark shade of grey. I am no famous writer nor do I have any similar skill to be honest but I need to place down how I feel in order to save myself. Dramatic. Due to recent events I have sunk deeper in my dirty puddle of life and I have found myself daydreaming about this all being over. I know that it is quite a popular topic lately and unfortunately a pathetic attempt to get attention from some, a real cry for help from others and a reason to be made fun of by the internet comedian found in most of us. As I write these words, I do feel extremely pathetic so if you read this and feel the same in regards to myself, I’m glad.

This one is also for you

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I honestly thought I am done talking about it.

I blame this on us not having any closure and that’s on you. You know how I have the tendency to only remember the good times out of my previous failures. Something you always hated by the way. Question is: will I ever let go of you?

Ok. Let’s be honest! That is the whole point of me writing this, isn’t it? You broke a piece of me I never want to fix. I will even fight myself to keep the hate alive.

Often times I keep replaying the memory of the night when you left. I know I told you to go and then begged you to stay. My ego wanted me to figure out if there was a lesson in there for me to take something out of. I think not. Maybe that was your lesson. I know you still hold guilt over it and yes, I got your message. It’s not good enough. I can’t forgive you and trust me, I tried.

Keep close everything I once told you, that shit will come to you when you need it most. On this ending note I would like to say that I’m sorry: sorry for the hurtful things I said; sorry for some of the things I did. You know I never really meant to upset you. I am sorry about your father and for that you will forever have a piece of me.

I have to let you go now.

I’m sorry!

Ps: I doubt you read these words but I’ll let them out in the universe hoping they’ll find you.

People never change – People get better at hiding who they truly are

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I’m sorry, did this hit close to home? Always believed we don’t grow up, we just become more of who we are. Kinda like drugs a bit.

The ability of doing something for the first time provides the necessary determination to repeat that action with a higher level of success.

Cheating Abuse Immoral Behaviour

Couldn’t think of anything positive. Sorry y’all!

It’s almost cute how we all hide behind these paper houses we built for ourselves: a shadow image portraying who we would like to be more so than who we are.

*courtesy of someone actually reading this